“Every once in a while, I believe I am a chosen vessel so I walk like it.”
Frances Hawkins
The picture above is true in some instances, but not when relating to joy. Think about it. Call it out. Scream and shout for joy. You deserve it. Don’t be confused by temporary happiness, you deserve joy.
“Who am I? Who have I been? Who do I want to be?” A series of questions, asked in AbsolutelyPositivelyDebbie’s Blog, “Emotional Eating – Being Debbie,” I feel these questions are necessary in finding joy in happiness. Those three questions are the mental case I am building to structure my life story. This is the “HOW” in how I will introduce myself in my first book. These questions impel you to question who you think you are today, where you want to be tomorrow, and how you are going there. This post also helps me reflect on the process of finding joy in my own happiness — making sure the present time woes do not inflict upon the weight of my joy.
Like Debbie stated in her blog post, I didn’t know how to be just Frances until I got on my own and started college. I had always been Frances, the friend; Frances, the daughter; Frances, the annoying cousin; Frances, the bullied; Frances, the bad sibling; Frances, the one who could always dream of what she wanted, but could never put the dreams into words.
See, I am Frances J. Hawkins. (And like Junie B. Jones, the J. stands for the B. in Beatrice and I don’t care for the extra syllables too much.) The name Frances is said to be a soft and gentle name, much like the person I am today. The name Frances means free one, but in other translations, it means “queen of the world.” Would you believe it if I told you I were both? I am a breath of fresh air to myself but a heavy burden to those whose wanted darkness was consumed by my light. I found joy in my happiness by the strife others gave me for being myself. — A queen. A free one. I am sincere and loyal regardless of person, situation, promise, environment, job, or circumstance. I have found that to be a blessing and a curse. I don’t listen to myself when my mind is telling me to let go because I have already given this person or thing my word. In the same instance, I don’t listen to myself when my mind is telling me to let go because I have already given this person or thing my word. See, a blessing and a curse — read it slower if you don’t understand — your mind can tell you to do two different things using the same words.
I believe the mind is a powerful thing even though it is of me, the mind — my mind is not me. I believe I control my mind, my mind does not control me. I have always believed in my dominion of my mind; however, I have not always acted as such. In the past, I would go through things simply because I could not think my way through them, not understanding the power I had to control my actions.
And with that, I have a dog. I refer to him as my first born son because — well, he is. His name is Prince Maxwell and he is such an ambitious (spoiled brat), yet super shy puppy. To know him is to love him, but Prince has his guard up and he won’t let you know him. The old wise tale states that dogs pick up their main characteristics from their parents (doggy owners) and sometimes looking at Prince Maxwell is like looking at a mirror. Prince is playful and precious but he WILL let you know when he does not agree with something. Prince gets into LOTS of things and he needs the help of someone else to get him out of situations he brought upon himself. Prince eats EVERYTHING. (I mean I could put a bowl of Billy Joe’s Chicken Feet in front of him and he will probably eat it.) Prince is stubborn and he will listen to you tell him to do one thing, then do something else — he now knows that if you pee on mommy’s carpet, you will stay in your kennel longer than you have to. Prince learns from consequences. Prince learns from me. His learned behavior, in the last few months I have had him, has caused me to look deep within myself to understand — I may do things and may not realize I am doing them; however, some of my behaviors are not always beneficial to my growth and personal well-being.
“Prince is playful and precious…”
I am sure Prince, in this picture, is saying, “I won’t have anymore accidents, mommy.”
Your today directly affects your tomorrow.
When finding concrete joy in your happiness, it is important to take deep looks within yourself, like I did when I saw the learned behaviors through my baby boy, Prince Maxwell. Had I not stopped and looked at where I was going, who knows where my mental state would be right now or any negative behaviors I would’ve taught Prince. I would probably still blame others for my actions. I would probably be wallowing in my temporary happiness from some random spark rather than basking in the everlasting joy hard work brought me. Please remember, it takes a lot of hard work to become joyful.
I have been a person not searching after my own heart, yet longing the love of others. I have been the person who talks a lot and never listens for fear of not being heard. I have been that one in the crowd who never speaks because they are never heard. I have been the attention seeker. Unfortunately, I have been many other things — both positive and negative — but I can’t change, and will not stress over changing, who I have been. I can only focus on who I become.
The tip (of this post) to finding joy in happiness is by focusing on who you are becoming.
I want to be a successful writer and so that is who I am becoming. I am becoming a full time writer, best-selling author, novelist, and a holy follower of God’s Will.
Often times, we get these chills and thrills of happiness as a result to our success and they are gone within a blink of an eye because we did not keep digging. Happiness is only the surface of your success and your joy is hidden deep within it. Happiness allows you to feel comfortable in knowing “this is it” or “I’ve made it.” Joy will empower you to feel great in the middle of your struggle. Joy will allow you to reach the epitome of your destiny, whatever that may be.
So here’s a tip… You will find joy in happiness, just wait it out.
Be joyful. Spread joy.
Tell someone you love them if you mean it.
Frances J. Hawkins
thank ’97
Frances J. Hawkins 